Tolstoy famously wrote: ‘Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’ To extend this a little: all families are miserable in different ways—but are they happy in the same way?
Could we say the same about an individual? Are we all miserable in different ways, but when we are happy, are we all happy in the same way?
Yes, miserable situations in families span vast dimensions: health issues, financial issues, and relationship problems. Within those relationship areas, we can find a multitude of ‘miserable items’ such as: control issues, a lack of boundaries, emotional distance vs. enmeshment, physical intimacy issues, and communication mismatches. Now, multiply those issues by the number of family members, and the complexity grows exponentially.
Yes, misery is rich in its variety. Some suffer from extreme control in relationships, while others suffer from a lack of impulse control. Both are control issues. Some people hold impenetrable boundaries, while others have no idea what boundaries are.
While I could spend pages listing all the dysfunction out there, let me quickly run over to the other side of the spectrum.
What is happiness, and how abundant are its forms?
In simpler words: what do happy families do when they are happy?
I could give you a long answer about emotions, feeling joy, and enjoying the present moment. Yet, what’s at the core of it all is the opposite of dysfunction – FUNCTION.
‘Happy’ families are FUNCTIONAL. It is a variety of actions and habits that make up the fabric of life. This applies to every area of family life. Let’s see:
Are happy families all alike? No, they are all functional in their own unique ways.
In other words, happiness is a spectrum of finding new ways of expressing oneself within the family environment – a functional way of offering support and sharing the joy of being.
There are many ways to be happy, but we become masters at the ways to be miserable. The key is practice. Practice the functional ways of happiness individually; practice a variety of functional habits as a family. It is the forms of self-expression that vary in a functional environment, as is the way we participate in each other’s self-expression. As there is a multitude of ways to snap at each other, there is also a multitude of ways to say ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good night.’
Could we say the same about an individual? Are we all miserable in different ways, but when we are happy, are we all happy in the same way?
Yes, miserable situations in families span vast dimensions: health issues, financial issues, and relationship problems. Within those relationship areas, we can find a multitude of ‘miserable items’ such as: control issues, a lack of boundaries, emotional distance vs. enmeshment, physical intimacy issues, and communication mismatches. Now, multiply those issues by the number of family members, and the complexity grows exponentially.
Yes, misery is rich in its variety. Some suffer from extreme control in relationships, while others suffer from a lack of impulse control. Both are control issues. Some people hold impenetrable boundaries, while others have no idea what boundaries are.
While I could spend pages listing all the dysfunction out there, let me quickly run over to the other side of the spectrum.
What is happiness, and how abundant are its forms?
In simpler words: what do happy families do when they are happy?
I could give you a long answer about emotions, feeling joy, and enjoying the present moment. Yet, what’s at the core of it all is the opposite of dysfunction – FUNCTION.
‘Happy’ families are FUNCTIONAL. It is a variety of actions and habits that make up the fabric of life. This applies to every area of family life. Let’s see:
- Instead of fighting and arguing, there are various forms of communicating: sharing ideas, experiences, and just sitting together silently.
- Instead of invisible isolation and loneliness while among people, we find quality time: sharing interests, hobbies, and doing something meaningful together.
- A lack of touch and intimacy is replaced by physical expression. We might run together, dance together, or hold hands in silent appreciation.
- Bossing around and commanding shifts into inquiry and listening to each other.
- Avoiding vulnerability turns into embracing each other.
Are happy families all alike? No, they are all functional in their own unique ways.
In other words, happiness is a spectrum of finding new ways of expressing oneself within the family environment – a functional way of offering support and sharing the joy of being.
- To express happiness through physicality and intimacy.
- To express happiness through words and deeds.
- To feel, share, and pursue goals.
There are many ways to be happy, but we become masters at the ways to be miserable. The key is practice. Practice the functional ways of happiness individually; practice a variety of functional habits as a family. It is the forms of self-expression that vary in a functional environment, as is the way we participate in each other’s self-expression. As there is a multitude of ways to snap at each other, there is also a multitude of ways to say ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good night.’